Disrespect. Conflict. Reminding. Yelling. Nagging. Punishing.
These are some of the worst parts of parenting.
“Get off your phone and do your homework.”
“Did you take out the trash yet?”
“Stop playing Fortnite and come to dinner!”
“Don’t talk to you sibling like that!”
And….your teen argues back.
The nerve of teenagers.
Does it sometimes feel like, “same arguments, different day”?
For many parents and teens, the battles become SO REPETITIVE...and SO PAINFUL.
Parents feels unheard and disrespected...Teen feel controlled and annoyed….
Parent nags/yells...Teen reacts….
It’s Not Good.
All the yelling, avoiding, nagging and avoiding is not good for your relationship with your teen....Your yelling at them...Your nagging….Your reminding them.
It’s hard to be close with them in this.
It’s not good for you either. Your mental health. Your joy.
It’s not good for your family.
Trust us when we write….this STRUCTURE will work.
Step 1: Identify The Family Values You Want To Pass On And Parent In.
What values and beliefs are driving you?
Note: Values and “Rules” are different. You teach family values, while you enforce House Rules.
Step 2: Prioritize Your Family Values.
What family values are worth "fighting for"? Which are worthy of a “House Rule?”
Write them down.
Beware: Don’t pick too many battles. Don’t be that parent who rides their kid into the ground with a type-A, controlling, authoritarian parenting style.
Beware: Don’t pick too few battles. Don’t be that passive parent who doesn’t expect their teen to mature, engage, be a team member, act respectfully, or act maturely.
With modern teens, there are lots of juicy values to choose from...
Having close family relationships
Saving v Spending
Church v Sleep In
Freedom vs Responsibility
Now, it is time to write some RULES down...
Step 3: Write Up The House Rules Document... (Which will promote your values, and set boundaries...which all kids need)
Set rules for screen time, minimum gpa, chores, respect, family dinners, curfew, and all other values you want to set the expectation and boundary on.
This is where you will decide which values and battles to pick. Set the bar high!
This is your family, lead it well.
The TOP 5 TOP Value/Rules we teach at Parenting Modern Teens are:
(1) Show honor and respect to your parents
(2) Show love and kindness to your siblings
(3) Complete household chores (add child’s weekly/daily chore chart below)
(4) Maintain a minimum gpa of _._ GPA at school (somewhere between 2.5-3.3 gpa)
(5) Live a sober life free of vape, pot, pills and powders.
(If you need help creating House Rules or prioritizing your battles, our Family Coaches at ParentingModernTeens.com are here to serve you and your family.)
Step 3B: As The Adult, Make The Personal Commitment To Stop Yelling, Nagging, Reminding, Grounding, Avoiding, Or Pep Talks.
These are not healthy ways of parenting... or fostering maturity on your kids. Don’t do them. If you wonder why grounding a child is not effective, or need alternatives to grounding, Google it, watch our Online Parenting Program, or contact us.
Step 4: After Each House Rule, Write Down The "Natural Consequence" Which Will Take Effect If The Rule Is Broken.
Note: Writing these "natural consequences" should help you to stop reacting with arguing or yelling or avoiding. Your old consequence was probably yelling, arguing, reminding, nagging or controlling. Your new consequence will be written down.
Now, allow the House Rules document parent and speak for you...and replace the fighting.
The values and House Rules is this document will not always be kept . We are talking about kids/teens here, these rules will be broken.
The question is, how will you, the parent, respond when a rule is broken?
Will you yell, nag, fight, control, ground, avoid, or people-please?
If you do, you are not parenting well. You are not helping.
Instead, calmly look at the House Rules document and give the written down natural consequence...
House Rule: Come to the dinner table for family dinner within 5 minutes of being told the first time.
Consequence For Broken Rule: If you do not come to family dinner on time and you choose instead to be a screen (like YouTube, SnapChat or Fortnite), you will lose that screen for 7 days and nights. You and will re-earn the privilege of that screen only after you have come to dinner on time for the next week and you also write a hand-written letter to me about how you will have a better relationship balance with the screens in you life.
(The message behind this rule/consequence is: This family, and how we care for each other, is more important than any screen, hobby, school grade or sport.)
Your teen is learning responsibility, deadlines, and completing assignments. They are also learning good communication, obedience, respect, family, chores, integrity, teamwork and selflessness. These are all important life skills that must be developed for their adult life ahead.
Step 5. Is The Most Important Step….Be Close With Your Kids.
Spend quality time with them.
Speak respectfully with them. Teach them to, and help them, speak respectfully to you. Listen well to them.
Be flexible with them.
Play and laugh with them.
The closer you are with your kids, the more they will….
-follow your House Rules
-respect your authority
-consider adopting your “family values”
-enjoy speaking with you.
-enjoy spending time with you
-see you as a mentor
If you need help or support in breaking the fighting cycle, our Family Coaches at ParentingModernTeens.com are here to serve you and your family!
Co-Written By Family Coaches Paul Scholz and Sean Donohue
We Show Modern Parents How to Expertly Parent Their Modern Teen Into Maturity and Responsibility
Click HERE to read “7 Things EVERY Teen Guy Needs to Hear From HIs Parents.”
Click HERE to read "Mean, Spoiled Entitled NO MORE: How to Parent Your Teen Into a Caring, Mature, Young Adult."